


Gone

by iantosgal



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-30 00:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iantosgal/pseuds/iantosgal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard stared blankly up at the ceiling and tried to ignore the panic surging through him. He tried not to cry out as another wave of pain ripped through him. He knew Jim was on his way but he was planet side and he didn't think he would be here in time to hold his hand. It didn't matter if Jim was here anyway. Leonard was a doctor, he knew exactly what was happening. </p>
<p>He was losing their baby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I have never written MPreg before so this is completely new territory for me. That being said, this idea has been plaguing me for months!
> 
> Special thanks to everyone on the J&BChat for their feedback and inspiration! *blows kisses*
> 
>  
> 
> P.S I SUCK at titles...

Leonard stared blankly up at the ceiling and tried to ignore the panic surging through him. He tried not to cry out as another wave of pain ripped through him. He knew Jim was on his way but he was planet side and he didn't think he would be here in time to hold his hand. It didn't matter if Jim was here anyway. Leonard was a doctor, he knew exactly what was happening. 

 

Male pregnancies, although more common these days were not without complications. They'd known from the start that this was a possibility, had told themselves they were preparing for it, but now it was actually happening...they weren't prepared. How could they ever have thought they would be prepared for this. 

 

Another wave of pain made Bones cry out and curl onto his side. A cool hand stroked through his hair gently. Christine. She murmured softly; empty words that meant nothing but still managed to give Bones something to focus on other than the brutal truth of what was happening. 

 

He was losing their baby. 

 

He choked out a sob and Christine ran a hand down his back. “I'm so sorry, Len. I'm so sorry,” she whispered. Leonard clung to her voice like a lifeline as another stab of agony reminded him that their baby was dying. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

He didn't know when he had fallen asleep but when he woke up he felt sick. It wasn't blinding pain any more but it was worse. He felt empty. Nothing inside him but a black hole and nausea. A hand gripped his and he looked over to see Jim staring at him, eyes full of pain. Leonard untangled his hand from Jim's and turned away. 

 

“Bones?”

 

He heard Jim stand up and felt him lean over. 

 

“Bones look at me,” he said, resting a hand on Bones shoulder and rolling him onto his back. Leonard closed his eyes and tried to keep the tears at bay. “Bones, please...”

 

“I'm sorry, Jim...” he gasped. 

 

“No, baby...it wasn't your fault. Look at me...”

 

“I'm so sorry...” Bones sobbed, tears falling freely, his entire body shaking with the force of his sobs and then Jim was there, climbing onto the bed and pulling him close to his chest. Bones could do nothing but cling to Jim tightly and cry. He knew Jim was crying to, could feel it in the hitch of his breath, but he still managed to press a kiss to Leonard's hair whilst rocking him gently against his chest. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

Going back to their quarters was torture. They'd got ahead of themselves and started gathering baby things. There were tiny clothes on top of the drawers and a couple toys that Jim had picked up on their last shore leave. A Moses basket sat in the corner of their room waiting for a baby that would never come. Leonard felt numb. In a haze he walked over to the basket and ran a hand along it. Jim was talking to him but it was like he was really far away and his words didn't register. He grabbed the baby clothes off the drawers and put them in the basket and then walked past Jim who reached out an arm to try and grab his shoulder but Leonard sidestepped him and continued the living area. He grabbed the toys and the little baby shower gifts and cards and took them back into the bedroom, dumping them in the basket along with the clothes. 

 

“Bones?”

 

Leonard ignored him and picked up the entire basket and took it out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. He dumped the basket and it's contents next to the trash and wandered back into the living area. Jim pushed past him and grabbed the basket. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Not like we need it any more,” Leonard said, quietly. 

 

“We can worry about all this later,” Jim said, placing the basket in front of the sofa. Leonard very carefully didn't look at it. 

 

There was a long beat of silence that Leonard had no idea how to fill. He had lost their baby. He had failed Jim and he didn't think he could ever make it right. The guilt was suffocating him, making it hard to look at Jim without feeling like he was choking. 

 

“We can...I mean...not right now,” Jim said, haltingly, placing a hand gently on Leonard's knee. “But give it time. We can try again.”

 

“No,” Leonard said, definitively, standing up and moving away from Jim. 

 

“I know it's expensive but...”

 

“Money has nothing to do with. I don't care if it only cost $10. I'm not doing it.”

 

“Bones, we don't have to talk about this now. We can wait...”

 

“What, until I'm over it? Until we forget all about it?”

 

“Bones...you're not the only hurting here.”

 

“I know...but you didn't feel it die, Jim. I did.”

 

“It?” Jim said, voice carrying an edge it didn't have before. “You mean our baby?”

 

“It doesn't matter now, does it? Because it's gone.”

 

“You never refereed to our baby as an it before. You were convinced it was a boy.”

 

“Well, we'll never know what it was.”

 

“Stop it!” Jim yelled, getting to his feet. “We lost a baby! Not an _it_!”

 

Leonard said nothing. He simply stared at Jim blankly. Jim glared at Leonard for a long moment, body practically vibrating with rage and grief. Then all of a sudden he seemed to deflate and crumpled back onto the sofa, his head falling into his hands. 

 

“We don't have to make any decisions right now.”

 

“I won't change my mind, Jim.”

 

“Bones....”

 

“I don't want to talk about this any more. I...I'm tired.” Leonard turned and walked to their bedroom, letting the door close with a quiet hiss behind him. He walked over to the bed and stopped when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. 

 

It was stupid. He hadn't been along enough to really start showing when he'd lost it, but his stomach seemed flatter. His hand came up to rest on his abs, hard and still carrying muscle and suddenly it was all too real. His whole body shook as he started to silently cry. He slid down to the floor, arms still wrapped around his empty stomach and sobbed until his throat was raw and his tear ducts dry. He realised that at some point Jim had followed him into the bedroom and pulled him into his arms. He rocked him gently, his own body shaking with tears and Leonard couldn't comfort him. All he could do was hold on and try not shatter completely. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“My shift starts in an hour.”

 

“You're not serious,” Jim said, in disbelief. Leonard ignored him and carried on on his way to the bathroom. “Bones!” Jim called after him. 

 

Leonard turned the shower onto it's hottest setting and let the hot water pound into his tense shoulders. One of the perks of being with the Captain was the joy of actual water in the shower and not for the first time, Leonard was extremely thankful. A sonic shower wouldn't do right now, he never would have felt clean. As it was, he'd been in the shower so long the water had turned cold and he still felt wrong. He was shivering when the door opened and a fully clothed Jim turned off the water and then climbed in with the biggest towel they had. He wrapped it around Leonard and rubbed him dry before pulling him close. 

 

As soon as Jim's arms closed around him, Leonard felt trapped. He pulled himself free and left Jim standing in the shower alone. He went back to the bedroom and pulled on a pair of boxes, followed by a pair of slacks. Jim stood in the doorway watching him with troubled eyes as he rooted in the wardrobe for one of his tops. 

 

“You're supposed to be off today.”

 

“No, I'm not.”

 

“Bones, you should take a day or two.”

 

“Why? It won't make anything better. Are you going to take a few days off?”

 

“No,” Jim said after a pause. “You know I can't.”

 

“Neither can I,” Leonard said, knowing it was for an entirely different reason, pulling on his science blue top and brushing past Jim on his way out the room. He didn't miss the troubled, bone-weary sigh but he did ignore it. He left their quarters without another word and made his way to sickbay. The closer he got, the tighter his chest became. The last time he'd been there...

 

He shook himself. He was a doctor, dammit. He had to be in sickbay to do his damn job. He walked in and forced himself to act like everything was ok. He strode through sickbay, ignoring the shocked looks of his staff as he made his way to his office. He wished he could slam the door behind him but had to settle for the quiet hiss. He threw himself into his chair instead, let his elbows thump on to his desk and buried his head in his hands. 

 

A soft knock on the door frame alerted him that Christine was standing watching him. He hadn't even heard the door open. He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair, pushing himself back in his chair. 

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, without preamble. 

 

“Well, I was planning on doing my shift. You know, medicals and check ups and generally fixing up these idiots that call themselves a Starfleet crew. I swear, they're more accident prone than a bunch of babies...” 

 

As soon as he said it he felt like he was choking. He tried to clear his throat again but it came out more like a sob and Christine was there, wrapping her arms around him but he pushed her away. Everyone seemed to think hugs could fix this but they couldn't, nothing could. 

 

He tried to ignore Christine's eye boring into him while he worked. He had a couple of Ensigns in first thing for medicals and enjoyed the fact that they didn't treat him any differently. The fact that he and Jim were expecting wasn't exactly common knowledge on the ship. Obviously the senior staff knew but everyone else was oblivious. For a few hours whilst he worked, it was like nothing had happened. He was just Doctor McCoy, the grumpy southern doctor that patched everyone up and ranted about their inability to go one day without blowing something up or falling off shit and landing their sorry asses in his sickbay. 

 

It was all going so well until Spock showed up. 

 

“Spock,” Leonard said stiffly. 

 

“Doctor, I am worried about the Captain. He has been incredibly distracted. Is everything alright?”

 

Leonard stared at Spock and couldn't think of anything to say. Jim hadn't told Spock they'd lost their baby. He hadn't said anything. Leonard didn't know how to tell Spock and he found himself feeling angry at Jim. Jim should have told Spock, he shouldn't be leaving it to Leonard. It wasn't fair. 

 

“Doctor?”

 

“No, Spock. Everything is not alright. I lost it.”

 

“I don't understand, Doctor,” Spock replied, cocking his head to one side.

 

“The baby, Spock. I lost it.”

 

A heavy silence formed between them and Leonard found he could barely breath. The last couple of hours seemed like a million miles away. The grief and despair was closing in around him again and Spock still hadn't said a damn word. 

 

He needed to get out of here. He needed to get off this fucking ship and just breath. 

 

What a shame he was in the unforgivable blackness of space. Nowhere to pop out for some fresh air and clear his head. Nowhere to get enough bourbon to drown himself. Unless...

 

He turned abruptly and left without a word. He practically ran from sickbay and down the corridors towards engineering. 

 

Scotty's domain was loud and normally Leonard would hate it but at this moment it was loud enough to drown out his thoughts and he welcomed it. He found Scotty half way up a ladder, up to his elbows in some kind of circuitry. 

 

“Scotty!” he shouted. “Scotty!” 

 

The engineer looked down at the sound of his name and his face dropped. He scrambled down the ladder and stood awkwardly in front of Leonard. 

 

“Leonard...I heard...about...I'm so sorry,” he said, barely audible over the chaos of noise around them. Leonard cut him off with a wave of his hand and grabbed his arm, dragging him off somewhere quieter. 

 

“I need a favour,” he said. 

 

“Sure, anything.”

 

“Do you have any scotch?”

 

Scotty looked at him sadly and began to shake his head. 

 

“Len, you don't want to go down that road.”

 

“I wasn't asking for your opinion or your permission. Do you have any or not?”

 

“No, I'm sorry.”

 

“You're a goddamn liar,” Leonard spat, filled with a sudden surge of anger. 

 

“Look, Len. This is not what you want to do. Go find Jim and...”

 

“And what?” Leonard shouted, making the other man jump and take a step back. “What can he possibly do to make this better?”

 

“Drinking yourself into a coma won't help either.”

 

“At least I won't have to think about it anymore,” Leonard mumbled, turning and walking away, filled with disgust. 

 

He just didn't know if that disgust was for Scotty or himself. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

He went to the observation deck.

 

The view of space didn't soothe him because part of him was still terrified of the black. But it was quiet up here and no one should think to look for him here. He could try to gather himself, maybe put some of the pieces back together, if he could just ignore the fact that a fairly large piece was missing. There yesterday, but not today. 

 

He wanted to cry. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to beat his fist against the wall until something broke, either his hand or the wall, he didn't care which. But he didn't have the energy so instead he simply stared out of the glass, out at the stars and tried not to think about anything at all. 

 

A soft swish told him somewhere had entered his sanctuary. He closed his eyes. He should have known. 

 

Jim sat beside him and stared out of the glass without a word. They stayed that way for almost ten minutes before Leonard broke the silence. 

 

“I don't know what to do, Jim.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I don't know how we get through this.”

 

“We will, together. We just need to take some time. We need to grieve, Bones.”

 

“I can't.”

 

“Bones?”

 

“I'll break, Jim, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put myself back together.”

 

“Then let me help you,” Jim said, finally turning to face him with haunted eyes. 

 

“No,” Leonard said, shaking his head. 

 

“What do you mean, no?”

 

“I mean no, Jim. I'm destructive, I'll just break you too.”

 

“I'm already broken, Bones. Same as you.”

 

“Then maybe we're no good for each other right now,” Leonard said, carefully. 

 

“What do you mean?” Jim asked, sounding a little bit terrified. 

 

“I mean...I don't know what I mean...I think I should go back to my old quarters for a bit.”

 

“M'Benga's in your old quarters.”

 

“Ok, so I'll sleep in his old quarters or on the damn couch in my office...I just think, we should be away from each other.” Leonard got to his feet and turned away. 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Jim shouted, jumping to his feet, grabbing Leonard's shoulder and spinning him back around. “That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.”

 

“Jim, I...”

 

“Are you breaking up with me?” Jim demanded.

 

“No...Jim, I just...”

 

“ _We_ just lost our baby and you want to leave me on my own? I _need_ you, Bones and you need me... Bones, please.”

 

“I'm sorry Jim...I'm so fucking sorry,” Leonard said, quietly and then walked away. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

M'Benga didn't say a word when he turned up at his quarters with a bag of clothes. He simply stood aside to allow Leonard to enter and grabbed a spare pillow and blanket from the top of his wardrobe and made up a bed on the couch. 

 

“Thanks,” Leonard said, and sat himself down. 

 

“Whatever you need,” M'Benga said and sat beside him. 

 

They were both silent for a while and Leonard was grateful that M'Benga was the kind of man that didn't feel the need to try and get you to talk things out. He was happy to sit with you in silence and wait until you were ready. After about an hour of just sitting there Leonard turned to M'Benga. 

 

“You sure it's ok if I stay here? Just for a couple of days?”

 

“As long as you need,” M'Benga replied. 

 

“I just...I need a little time away from...”

 

“You don't have to explain anything to me. If you want to talk about it, we'll talk. But you don't have to. Take the bed and don't argue about it.”

 

“I'm good on the couch,” Leonard argued. 

 

“You're not the only doctor here. I know you're still in pain so just take the bed. You'll be more comfortable.”

 

Leonard sighed but didn't argue. He picked up his bag and made his way through to the bedroom. It was exactly as he remembered it being before he'd moved in with Jim but it didn't feel like home anymore. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at his face in the mirror. He looked fucking awful. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week, there were bags under his eyes and his skin was so pale it was almost translucent. He ran a hand over the stubble on his cheeks and then pulled off his clothes, grabbing a pair of jogging bottoms from his bag and pulling them on before sliding under the sheets. He closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep. 

 

It took a long time but eventually he managed to drift off. The dream hit him almost immediately. 

 

_He was back in sickbay, back to the morning it all happened. He had just finished checking out an engineer who'd managed to hit his head._

_“You'll be fine. No concussion. You got lucky, kid. Do me a favour, next time someone shouts duck...duck,” he said._

_“You got it, doc,” the kid said, swinging himself off the table._

_“Take it easy for the rest of the day. Any headaches, take a couple of painkillers. They get really bad...”_

_“I'll come back and see you.”_

_“Great.”_

_The kid left sickbay and Leonard shook his head, almost fondly. He went back to his office to fill in the incident report and was almost at his desk when he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. He stopped short and pressed a hand to his stomach but the pain passed quickly. He shook his head and settled down at his desk. Male pregnancies were still a fairly new thing and a little discomfort was to be expected. His body wasn't designed to carry a child and while the procedure he and Jim had paid for worked it's magic, there was bound to be a few jolts every now and again. It was totally normal._

_The next jolt of pain wasn't normal at all._

_It felt like someone had thrust a white-hot blade into his stomach. He gasped for breath and then yelled out when the pain hit again, a burning throb lingering in it's wake. He tried to stand but the pain tore through him and he stumbled, clutching onto his desk in a desperate bid to keep himself on his feet._

_“CHRISTINE!” he screamed, sinking to his knees and trying not to vomit. “Fuck!”_

_“Leonard? What's wrong?” Christine crouched beside him and gripped his shoulder._

_“It hurts, oh fuck...” he forced his head up to meet her eyes, a sudden realization filling his own with pure terror. “No...no...”_

_She knew what he couldn't say. Shouting for help she pulled Leonard to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist and managing to get him to one of the beds. He cried out again and doubled over, hands gripping the edge tightly. Someone else was there, helping ease him onto the bed. Christine had grabbed her tricorder and was running it over his abdomen. Her eyes said it all._

_“No...” he whispered. “No, please God...”_

_“I'm so sorry,” she said._

_“Jim...”_

_“Get the Captain,” Chapel ordered, throwing the tricorder aside and gripping Leonard's hand as another wave of pain threatened to rip him apart._

 

With a wordless cry, Leonard clawed his way away from the dream. Pain jarred his body and for a moment he wasn't sure if it was real or something carried over from the dream. The next moment, he knew it was real. He bolted from the bed and ran to the bathroom, just making it to the toilet in time as he began to throw up. He clutched the toilet bowl with both hands as he threw up everything in his stomach and then dry heaved a few times, his stomach clenching around nothing. He flushed the toilet and flopped back with his head against the wall. The tears came thick and fast but he didn't make a sound. His entire body ached and he didn't think he could force himself to his feet if he wanted to. 

 

As if one cue, the door opened and M'Benga looked down at him. He didn't try to help Leonard up. He didn't say anything. As usual, M'Benga knew exactly what his friend needed. 

 

He sat beside him, wrapped an arm around his shoulder and let him cry. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

It had been three days and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of Jim the entire time. 

 

He wasn't surprised. He hadn't gone looking for Jim and he knew Jim well enough to know he wouldn’t seek him out yet. Not when he knew Leonard needed space. 

 

Or when he thought Leonard had abandoned him. 

 

That thought hurt but Leonard knew Jim would understand eventually. He just needed space right now to get his head on straight. How could he start to work through the loss of their child with Jim when he could barely look at himself in the mirror?

 

Because that was the main problem. Leonard couldn't help but blame himself and something inside him was convinced that Jim must blame him too. It was his body that had fucked up. His body that had rejected their child and killed it. How could Jim ever look at him the same again? How could Leonard ever look at himself again without feeling sick? Part of him knew it was irrational and that eventually, this would get easier. 

 

But that was hardly a comfort right now. 

 

He woke up every morning and went to sickbay for his shift. Afterwards, he went back to M'Benga's quarters without any clear idea of what he had done on shift or any of the conversations he had had. He caught Christine staring at him with worried eyes that she tried to hide with a forced smile when she saw him looking and he knew he was scaring her. 

 

Truth be told, he was scaring himself. He'd been here before. When he'd lost his dad he'd practically disintegrated and in the fall out, he'd lost his marriage, his career and his self-respect. It had taken him so long to claw himself back and now...well, now it felt like he'd tumbled back down that rabbit hole to land in the pit of self loathing that had been his home for so long before he'd found Jim. 

 

So, he wasn't surprised when on the third day since he'd fled to M'Benga's, Uhura turned up at his office, let herself in without knocking and locked the door behind her. 

 

“Hello, Nyota,” he said, wearily, sure he knew what was coming. Uhura, for all her coldness in the early years of their relationship, was incredibly fond and protective of Jim. Of course it would be her that would come to try and fix this. 

 

“Leonard,” she said, softly, before crossing the room and pushing his chair back from the desk, half climbing into his lap as she wrapped him tightly in her arms. “I'm sorry,” she said and Leonard found himself clinging to her desperately. He didn't cry because honestly, he wasn't sure there was enough fluid left in his body to cry for a while. Instead, he just let her run her hand over his hair and buried his face in her neck, hiding just for a little while. “Talk to me,” she said after a long moment. 

 

“I don't know what to say,” he said. 

 

“Tell me what you're feeling.”

 

“What I'm feeling? Disgust mostly. Anger. Just...Nyota, I'm so fucking sad,” he replied. 

 

“I know. Jim too.”

 

It was subtle but he thought he could detect a hint of accusation in her tone. It made him pull back a little but she tightened her arms. 

 

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't mean it to sound like that.”

 

“But you did mean it. You think I'm a terrible person...”

 

“No. No, I don't and neither does anyone else. If you need space, you need space. Jim understands and so do we.”

 

Leonard sunk back into her embrace and closed his eyes. 

 

“I just...I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel, how I'm supposed to make this...better.”

 

“There isn't a manual on how you're supposed to deal with this, Leonard. I can't give you the answers, no one can. We just have to take each day as it comes.”

 

“We?”

 

“You're not alone. I know we can't even begin to understand what you're going through. But just remember we are here for you. Whatever you guys need, whatever we can do...we're here.”

 

Leonard pulled back and Uhura shifted off of his lap so that she was sat on the edge of his desk, looking down at him. He met her gaze levelly and asked the question that he hadn't realised was burning inside him until that moment. 

 

“Jim? How is he?”

 

“About the same as you. Devastated. Won't talk to anyone about it. Snapping at people and then feeling guilty about it. He misses you but...he gets it.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“He told me. He's worried about you. He knows you're blaming yourself and he wants to help but he doesn't want to make things worse. Sometimes, I just...”

 

“Want to bang our heads together?” Leonard said, with a hint of a smile. 

 

“Yes. You need each other to get through this. So, once you're ready...”

 

She didn't finish the sentence but she didn't really need to. Leonard knew what she was saying. Jim was there, waiting for him and Leonard just needed to find his way back. 

 

* * * * * * * * * 

 

Maybe he should have tried to find his way back to Jim quicker, Leonard thought when Spock entered his office. Something about the Vulcan's face, emotionless as it was, hinted that something was very wrong. 

 

“Doctor, I require your assistance at the training rooms.”

 

“What's going on Spock?”

 

“The Captain...I fear he may have pushed himself past his limit.”

 

Leonard was half out the door with his med bag before Spock had even finished his sentence. 

 

“What happened?”

 

“We were sparring. It got much more violent than our usual meetings and I was forced to deliver harder blows to stop him. I am worried I may have hurt him. I tried to get him to come and see you but he refused.”

 

“Where is he now?” Leonard asked, somehow managing not to berate Spock for not being mindful of his own strength. He knew Jim would have pushed and pushed, trying to force Spock into hurting him. He was trying to punish himself and Leonard was kicking himself because he should have seen this coming. 

 

“When I left he had moved over to one of the punching bags.”

 

Leonard picked up his pace. When he reached the door to the gym, he gave Spock a pointed look that clearly told him to stay outside. With a deep breath and sick feeling in his stomach, he opened the door and entered his ears immediately catching the erratic and furious thump thump thump of Jim's fists pounding against the bag. 

 

He crossed the room as silently as he could and stopped to the side of where Jim was currently beating the shit out of the punch bag. He waited patiently, aware that Jim knew he was there. 

 

After what seemed like hours, Jim stopped and rested his head against the bag. 

 

“Wasn't sure you would want to see me yet,” he mumbled. 

 

“Can't just stand by and watch you hurt yourself without being there to patch you up. It's my job, right?”

 

“Yeah. Like it's my job to take care of you...if you let me,” Jim said, turning to face him but still resting his arms on the bag. 

 

“Jim...I just...”

 

“I know, you needed space. I understand, Bones, I do. I just...it's hard...”

 

“Yeah, I hear that,” Leonard replied, rubbing a hand over his face and sitting on one of the benches. After a few seconds hesitation, Jim came and sat beside him leaving a foot gap between them. Leonard reached over and pulled Jim close, wrapping an arm around him. 

 

“Did it help? The space?” Jim asked, slightly muffled against Leonard's chest. 

 

“Not really. I missed you,” Leonard replied, honestly. 

 

“I missed you too.”

 

“I just...I thought being away would let me sort my head out. But turns out I can't make sense of this. I lost our baby... and I don't know if that will ever be ok.”

 

“You know it wasn't actually you, right?” Leonard hesitated a second too long and Jim pulled back and looked at him was something akin to heartbreak on his face. “Bones?”

 

“I...I can't help it, Jim. It was my body that fucked up.”

 

“We knew it was a risk when we did the procedure. You know it's fairly common in male pregnancies. We talked about it...”

 

“Yeah, and we thought we'd prepared for it but look at us.”

 

“You can't prepare yourself for something like this, Bones. You shouldn't feel bad for struggling. I don't. We lost our baby and we'll never truly get over it. But maybe that's ok. We'll cope. Eventually, we'll cope.”

 

“I meant what I said, Jim. I can't do this again.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“Ok? That's it?”

 

“Well, yeah. Because I think one day, you'll change your mind and if you don't...there are plenty of kids out there that need a home.”

 

Leonard nodded but said nothing. At the moment, he couldn’t imagine a time when he would be able to contemplate even talking about children again but maybe Jim was right. Maybe he needed to stop punishing himself and just give himself some time. 

 

“And if I can't do that?” Leonard whispered. 

 

“Well, I have you and as long as I do have you, I'm ok.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. I love you, Bones.”

 

“I love you too, Jim.”

 

“Are you coming home?”

 

Home. Home wasn't just their quarters. Home was Jim and damn it he wanted to go home more than anything. He wanted to hold Jim and tell him it was ok but he couldn't lie. He _wouldn't_ lie. 

 

Things were not ok and they probably wouldn't be for a while, but as long as he had Jim...he could cope and he knew Jim would be there on the other side. 

 

“Yeah,” he said, hoarsely. “Yeah, Jim, I'm coming home.”


End file.
